I ran into an old friend from university yesterday, and once again I was struck by just how happy this person seems to be. I don’t mean in a bouncing off the walls way, or an always smiling way. But he doesn’t seem to carry the burdens around with him that many people do. There doesn’t seem to be the dark core that many people have developed. Yet I know that he has struggled and achieved very impressive things in his life so far.
Mostly, it made me wonder if I could let go. Can I let go of my dark core, the one that holds the sadness of failures, missed moments and lost loved ones? Could I be deeply happy, despite the daily grind and hardships that life delivers?
Would it make me a different person?
I have a hard time thinking of myself as beautiful, despite constant reassurance by my partner that I am indeed beautiful. Some days I look in the mirror and think that, hey, maybe I am! And others I am quite sure that I am not.
Would I achieve more?
I have always held the secret hope that I would help people. Save the world, even. I have come nowhere close to that. Part of my wonders if the burdens I carry with me have held me back, kept me from growing into more than I am. And part of me likes the way my life is, without the stress of trying to save the world. A big task for one person even on a good day.
Would I be less sarcastic?
I have this side to myself that I try to keep private. I can actually be very silly–even though in front of 99% of people my walls are up and sarcasm is the only humour I show. I love to dance–even though I usually just dance by myself around the house.
Would people still take me seriously?
I’ve always been the responsible one. The composed one. I can be having a fight with my significant other and turn around to smile and have a cheerful conversation with the waiter.
I have recently moved into the role of being the team leader, which meant convincing some employees that I was qualified to be their boss. And I did. But, how much of that is because of that dark, hard, core that I have?
And yet, it’s hard not to like a happy person. So maybe I could be me…but happier. Maybe I could be sometimes silly, sometimes dancey, always a bit sarcastic and yet somehow, less dark. Less sad.
Maybe I could accept what I have lost and failed at, and actually, finally, move on.
If only I knew how…